I've been having crazy insights lately... namely, discovering that I think I actually am happy and satisfied with my life. I always used to think otherwise - that I wasn't happy, that I was always worried, that something was always not right. But lately I've been thinking that maybe everything's alright. Maybe it's just because today was a very good day. Namely I fixed my ZoneAlarm settings (internet firewall and privacy control thingy) myself, without asking for the computer guy's assistance, and reassured myself that my computer did not need to be reformatted. But I think it's other things too. I'm just not as worried as I used to be. I sort of have a little bit of faith, or something, and a little bit of a slowdown in terms of my hyper-worry meter. "One day at a time" has become my new way of looking at the world. And I can only look at it that way because I think it'll be okay.
If you see me at midnight
Walking the streets
You'll know it's me for I cannot sleep
I've pushed away the dreams
And spoiled the quiet
I'm propelled by fear
And not the righteous
For instance, I had two midterms last week. One of them (Globalization) I'm confident in - think I did well, etc. The other one (Statistics) is a little more shaky. But I'm not going to worry about it. I have an oral midterm in Chinese next week, and who knows how I did on the last Environmental Science test. But I'm not going to worry about it. In fact, I'm not going to "worry" about my grades at all. Whatever happens, happens - if I have to P/D/F one of my classes, I have 'til mid-November to decide. But maybe I won't have to. Whatever. It isn't the end of the world if I don't get straight As. I love what I'm studying, and I have a tentative plan for my life - that's the most important thing. I get all my work done, and I have a great idea for an extra credit project to boost my grade in environmental science. Whatever happens, happens.
So have you been to a place like this?
To see your breath as it paints against the sky
The fever is near
I wish you were here
I think I'm like this because I realized that I'm protected. I suddenly feel like I'm wearing a protective talisman. I came to this conclusion in counseling today, when I suddenly said that I feel like I have a parent behind me and a parent in front of me - the one behind me being my mother, pushing me on, and the one in front of me being my father, urging me forward. He's not physically here with me anymore, but why should I think of the world as a purely physical and material one? I'm not that atheist. I don't quite see life as a straight line, but it's not a circle either - at least my particular life, in this particular reality, is not. I see it as an arc overlooking an "infinite abyss", to quote Garden State, a colorful abyss enclosed in mist that you need to fly over and through. Two outposts stand up like sentries out of the abyss - the Beginning, and the End. As we set out and grow up and find our way we have to leave the safety of the platform that is the Beginning and set off toward the End, and fly through the beautiful world of life in the process. Most people have their two parents pushing them out of the nest at the Beginning, but I only have one at the Beginning. My dad is at the End outpost, on the other side of the journey. And I can't tell you how safe that makes me feel, to have a parent serving as a guardian of each gateway. I'm between them - both pushed and pulled forward. It's like how babies learn how to walk - one parent behind them, and the other calling them on. My dad calls me on toward my existence as an adult, my mom launches me. So I think it'll be okay.
I'm thinking ambitious
I've got this feeling things will be alright
So go break a leg night
Been given the green light
So go entertain them
They're waiting for you
They're waiting for you
After leaving counseling I discovered that it had started raining. And I'd left my dorm without an umbrella or jacket. Ah well! I ran across 116th street and hid under one of the phone booths because it started pouring like mad, and just waited, calmly and patiently, for the rain to dwindle a little. The girl hiding next to me gave up and bought an umbrella, but I waited, watching the rain, watching the taxis splash through puddles, watching the clouds overhead move like tectonic plates, watching the New Yorkers run, some of them in sweatshirts, some of them with umbrellas and rain boots, some of them with nothing. It was nice. Then the wind acted up and the rain slowed. It was when I saw leaves spiralling around, being ripped off trees and dancing around quickly in the wind that I decided to make a run for my apartment building. The rain and leaves swirled so strangely - almost hurricane-like. But it was nice. I spent the time listening to the song interspersed throughout this post, "The City Lights" by The Umbrellas. I remember thinking, how do you feel? (my counselor makes me answer these kinds of questions a lot) And I remember thinking, I'm happy. It's such beautiful, climactic, cleansing weather. Jintian tianqi zhen hao, as they would say in Beijing. The weather today is very good.
So have you been to a place like this?
To see your breath as it paints against the sky
Feeling so right and things will run
The fever is near
I wish you were here
